Review A little proof reading is required as there are a few ‘typos’ and punctuation mistakes. ‘jet leg’ for ‘jet lag’ Narrative is in the first person and at times is rather schoolgirlish in style, but as the character herself is only eighteen this is acceptable. The dialogue needs to be carefully looked at. Are those the words that you would actually use, if you were the character?? Eg ’ Hello! my name is Samuel. what’s yours?’
You don’t need ‘Paris’ in the Louvre Museum Tou, either, prune out words that are not required.
‘I kind of figured’ an Americanism. OK if the book is only for the US.
‘I spent last Summer in Paris, a graduate present from my mother’ would be better as would one or two other sentences. Your sentence =‘It was silent between us. I looked for an answer’ – a little too stinted ’ Maybe ’ he didn’t speak ( answer)—— in place of it.
Quality of Content
I liked the theme and it’s obvious you have a great imagination, but I would have liked the narrative and dialogue to be a little more natural. Would Daniel really call his mother ‘Mom’?
An intereseting idea which the style could do with a little change. Natural dialogue and narration would give this piece a lot more impetus. It has potential and I’m sure you can polish this up for a great story. You need to edit, edit , rewrite and rewrite until you are perfectly happy with it. I must have rewritten and edited my book a couple of dozen times in the last year, and I am still not completely sure it’s ready. Good luck with it and I hope my comments have been of benefit to you. If not, just disregard them and do your thing. That’s what it’s all about. Incidentally! don’t be afraid of contractions. It’s the way we speak.